If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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