So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
