it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
