Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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