Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love