So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
