I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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