Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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