My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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