Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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