I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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