don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
