oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
