People in love make me want to vomit
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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