I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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