You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
