Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
