I never want to see another naked old woman again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
