dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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