I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
