I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
