i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
