dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
