I think I died a long time ago.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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