I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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