Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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