The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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