I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize