put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize