Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
