WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
