Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Found the puke drawer
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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