Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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