Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
