i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My ATM looks so different sober.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
