It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
