guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
