my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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