We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
