The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
