i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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