I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
