I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
