last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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