This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
