Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
