There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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