As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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