grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
