JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
