I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
