Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
sick fucks of a feather flock together
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize