that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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