Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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