I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
