Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
